Just so you know.

This is what I think.

Relationships.

This may be offensive to some but I just want to lay out what I think in text form. The things I say may or may not be true for all of you.

I want to describe for you without using names my "experience" with girls that I have liked in the past.. I'm not entirely sure if this is something I should put out on the internet. If you are reading this now it meand that I decided to publish this article.

My very first crush, that I can remember, was back in the day when I was around six or seven. I remember that she was so cute and everything that she did just made my crush that much deeper. My parents had not decided what they thought about dating at the time. I can remember when the "up in a cloud" feeling of liking someone ,as much as any seven year old could, left. It was late one night and ,for some reason, I was in the back of her parents van sitting in the church parking lot waiting for someone. I remember telling her that I liked her and asking if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She politely told me that she already had a boyfriend and was not interested. That is all I remember about that night. In the end we went to another church for completely separate reasons and I did not speak of liking her again.


Let's fast forward about two years. There was a girl in school that I liked a lot but I never told her how I felt because I didn't ever find the right time. That is my excuse I suppose for being a coward about it. There where a few girls that I did not confess my infatuation for fear of the same rejection previously described. I felt that if I did not put my heart out there I would not get hurt. I went to school until seventh grade and then I was home-schooled. With home schooling there is really only a few groups you hang out with. If you have a home school group then you can hang out with them but if not you are ,in some cases, limited to church or neighborhood girls. Come to think of it I never really had cute girls in the neighborhood I lived in.

So back to the new church we went to which was called Hales Chapel weird I know. I only ever liked one girl there and that was the best friend of the preachers daughter. I can't even remember her name at this point but I remember not really talking with her much because we never made an effort to converse. One Sunday morning directly after service I remember the preachers daughter and the girl i liked swinging on the swings outside. The girl I liked got my attention and said "Hey do you have a girlfriend?" I said that I did not and proceeded to tell her that my girlfriend move to California. This was an excuse I used often that was actually one of my sisters friends that we used to pretend we where dating together for some odd reason. I remember getting in my parents van and sitting in the back looking at the two girls on the swing and telling my dad that the girl I liked had asked if I was dating anyone. I was on top of the world for a while until she moved away and I realized that the only reason she asked was because the preachers daughter was interested in me. When the girl moved I started liking the preachers daughter. I remember telling her how I felt at the same time she told me.. I felt like this was the first time in a while I had the courage to say something and my parents had put an age limit that I had to reach before actually dating someone. I was fourteen at the time and my parents wanted me to be eighteen before dating someone. We told each other that we thought we where too young to date seriously and to old to date like little kids did. So I kind of brushed it off because I was not sure if I actually liked her or if she was just a rebound per say. I remember having a conversation with her at my next house (her family was visiting). She specifically told me that she did not like me and she sounded angry she told me a few other things as if it were her duty to set me straight. To be perfectly honest I am not sure why she even started that sort of rant.. I still have some resentment for her I suppose because I just took a break from this article to delete her from my friends list.. whatever that accomplished.

On to more recent matters at hand.. at this new house that I came to I did not meet anyone in the neighborhood. Same old story there but on the first day that I went to the new church I met a girl that absolutely memorized me. I liked her from day one off and on until now. I was still too young to date and so that put me between a rock and a hard place because kids my age dated a lot and people thought it was weird not to. Still I could not ask anyone out because of my parents rule. I told myself and one of my closest friends that I would dated her if she was available when I was old enough. She went through a lot of changes since then and has been someone that I can not stop thinking about at times and then someone that I want to avoid at other times. In my opinion I think that she liked me but did not want to admit it a lot of the time. She did not want to be the one that had a crush on someone that did not feel the same. She would go from being a really good friend one day to being an absolute jerk the next day for not reason. To be honest it was driving me insane because I never knew what to expect out of her. I think that when she sensed that we were getting to close that she just pulled away and became a jerk because she did not want me to be in love with her. All that did was cause me to be frustrated with her all the more and make me as confused as I could be. She has gone through a few boyfriends since then and has been distant at times and then in between boyfriends she has been very flirty.. If it was my choice to make I would never see her again because when it seems like I am getting over her I just start loving her right where I left off almost every time I meet her. It kills me inside to know that we will never be together but at the same time I just want to walk away. I simply don't know how I feel because my emotions are so mixed at this point.

If I could give you one piece of advice, from my demise, it would be this; never let a girl intimidate you into keeping your feelings from her. If I could go back and do it again I would probably tell each girl how I felt. I will never know the other side of this and what may have happened if I had. Perhaps I am better off for having waited as my parents told me to. The story still goes on because I am not dead at the time of this article. Love is confusing I know that for sure but in the end I'm sure it will be worth it when I meet the one that I am supposed to be with. Until then I may just continue to add stuff into this article describing my relationships as I remember them.

Thank you for reading this.. I know that if you made it all the way through you noticed grammatical errors and perhaps some spelling errors as well. I am keeping it this way because I typed this article with emotion and I think that going back over to pull to much out will take away from that. I hope you understand and good luck to you  in this confusing world.

Site updated and Video Update.

There is a new artice uploaded on cyberleak and a video should be up by the end of next week.

I am currently relaxing at the beach... With no way to edit a video properly..

New youtube account devoted to this blog.

This is the first of many site updates for Cyberleak.